Mosterøy, Norway – As American Chiropractor Frank Grimes emerged from the Utstein Abbey on the Norwegian island of Mosterøy earlier this week, a boisterous crowd of thousands quieted in expectation of a historic announcement. Practitioners of the ancient art of spinal manipulation seeking guidance, as well as millions of potential patients yearning for a diagnosis to explain their low back pain, stiff necks, or splennic ennui, have waited for this day. They would not be disappointed.
“No longer must chiropractors fumble clumsily around in the dark,” Dr. Grimes revealed. “We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to illuminate a path towards better health for all of our patients!”
A similar meeting in 1996 involving the Association of Chiropractic Colleges had solidified a definition of the vertebral subluxation. Much like the chiropractic subluxation itself, the far reaching implications of that meeting have been difficult to measure, but it ushered in a golden age of manipulation. Some chiropractic historians consider it to be one of the most important chiropractic conferences to be held near Tampa in the past 50 years. The repercussions of the current conference, which has focused on the potential causes of the vertebral subluxation, will likely eclipse even that.
Now, in addition to knowing that the vertebral subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for considering the myriad factors that lead to their development. They hope that this newfound knowledge will allow improved subluxation prevention and, most importantly, save lives. It could also be used for billing insurance companies more effectively.
The following is a list of the newly developed categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, with some common examples as determined by almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the PanAsian Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League All-Stars, and several additional related societies including, but not limited to, the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of American Society, Chiropractic Anonymous, and local chiropractor Ulf Peterson who hosted the assembled experts at his house for a traditional Norwegian meal of boiled sheep’s head and glogg:
T(rauma)1. Major physical trauma – Falling down stairs, being hit by a truck, being delivered vaginally
T2. Moderate physical trauma – Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match
T3. Mild physical trauma – Eating, breathing, a light breeze
C(hemical)1. Major chemical trauma – Smoking, alcohol ingestion, air pollution, pharmaceuticals
C2. Moderate chemical trauma – Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine ingestion, processed foods, food allergies
C3. Mild chemical trauma – Heartburn, hot tubs set to > 90F, offensive odors
E(motional trauma)1. Major emotional trauma – Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance begins to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends
E2. Moderate emotional trauma – Loud noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy while trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roommate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don’t like him
E3. Mild emotional trauma – Quieter noises such as a soothing whisper from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guilt associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were clearly the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes
Miscellaneous – When a mysterious old woman you cut off to get on the train curses you, when your child steps on a crack or a line, spontaneous human subluxation
Uncracking the truth
Thank you once again for indulging me in my satirical efforts.
The vertebral subluxation, or rather the reality that it does not exist as described and treated by many chiropractors, is entry level information when it comes to a critical evaluation of chiropractic. I know that you, dear readers of SBM, know that it is a fictional construct conjured up over a hundred years ago by a charlatan with visions of establishing a new religion, or at least a new (sort of) approach to separating people from their money.
Though not all chiropractors accept the dogma of the subluxation, it remains a driving force behind the promotion of chiropractic services in thousands of clinics around the world. It is the focus of entire chiropractic schools, organizations, and journals. People of all ages, including newborn infants, are subjected to potentially risky interventions and anti-medicine propaganda in their name. And though it equally does not exist, chiropractic subluxations are not the Bigfoot of alternative medicine. Searching for them is not a harmless hobby or diversion.
One frustrating, and I think revealing, aspect of the promotion of chiropractic subluxation, particularly when it comes to newborn chiropractic, is the discussion surrounding their cause. Patients are frequently told two competing narratives. Subluxations are both a true misalignment of the spine caused by significant stresses, such as a difficult childbirth in the case of a young infant, and a functional problem with no visible misalignment on imaging that can be caused by any amount of stress on the spine. Even normal activity or play. Even, according to some, diet and emotional experiences.
When treating infants with supposed subluxations, adjustments are comically gentle.This makes sense from a marketing perspective because many parents would be turned off by an aggressive maneuver that causes distress or pain in their baby. Older patients don’t mind, and in many cases are even impressed by, the hard jerks and loud pops caused by a high velocity spinal adjustment. So if the amount of pressure used to check the ripeness of a tomato, a description I’ve heard hundreds of chiropractors use, can correct a subluxation, literally anything can cause them. It’s an absurdity that deserves mockery.