“Schools must be open”
School closures have been one of the great tragedies this pandemic. Children have lost years of educational opportunities during their most formative years. This will impact them the rest of their lives. While we can’t change the past, we can hopefully agree now that schools must be open. To that end, I formulated a detailed, comprehensive plan: I vowed to say the words “schools must be open” at every opportunity.
My plan succeeded. I said “schools must be open” in newspapers, podcasts, on TV, and on social media. I even testified in court that “schools must be open.” Now, everyone knows that I say “schools must be open” all the time.
3 is larger than 1,090 and the best way to avoid getting sick with the virus is to get sick with the virus
Children have very low-risk from COVID-19, fortunately. I reasoned that as long as older people are more endangered by the virus, there’s no reason to protect children from it. That’s why I strenuously opposed vaccinating children, having them wear masks, testing them, and vaccine requirements for schools. I told parents that COVID vaccines for children should not get emergency use authorization, that kids don’t need COVID-19 vaccines to return to school and that the downsides of masking young students are real. I even said that omicron infection may be nature’s vaccine. I wanted to make the virus seem as attractive as possible – as if I were writing a commercial for a pharma company. Ask your doctor if Omicron™ is right for you. It’s Nature’s Vaccine!
I lived and breathed vaccine side-effects. The number of times I said the words “vaccine myocarditis” easily exceeds the number of children who are currently hospitalized with the condition. I made sure not to let parents know that almost all cases of vaccine myocarditis are “mild and resolve quickly“. I even mentioned fevers as a reason not to vaccinate children. Studies showing the vaccine can keep adolescents alive and out of the hospital (study 1, study 2, study 3, study 4, study 5, study 6, study 7, study 8) remain, of course, completely unmentionable.
Beyond this, I said the pandemic was over multiple times. Who can forget when I said “delta variant, delta shmariant” just before that variant hospitalized and killed a large number of children. My writing contained blatant factual errors – always understating the harms of the virus and overstating the risks of the vaccine. For example, in the past two years, the flu killed 3 children while COVID-19 has killed 1,090 children. So naturally, I told parents that more children died from the flu last year than COVID-19 and that COVID-19’s mortality risk for children is less than the already low risk from the annual influenza. If any “lockdowner” disagrees with this, I’ll write in an editorial in the Wall Street Journal or go on Fox News lamenting how I’ve been silenced.
I can take credit for the fact that just 17% of children ages 5-11 and 54% of children ages 12-17 are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. When I see that pediatric cases and hospitalizations are now more than double their previous peak, I know my efforts have paid off. After all, mass infection of children is exactly what I was hoping for when I said,
The most compassionate approach that balances the risks and benefits of reaching herd immunity, is to allow those who are at minimal risk of death to live their lives normally to build up immunity to the virus through natural infection.
This all makes perfect sense in a world where 3 is larger than 1,090 and the best way to avoid getting sick with the virus is to get sick with the virus.
Don’t blame me
Repeatedly saying “schools must be open”, while simultaneously opposing vaccines, masks, testing, and vaccine requirements is a legacy I can be very proud of. Just read any newspaper to know how things are working out for children and schools right now. Though if you read about schools closing due to an overwhelming number of COVID-19 cases, don’t blame me. I did my part.
No one said “schools must be open” more often than me.