Warning: If you are offended by humor that depends on psychiatric and medical diagnoses, read no further.

Disclaimer: Before anyone complains (and in this age of exaggerated political correctness, someone surely will), let me make it clear that I mean no disrespect to people suffering from the illnesses mentioned below. I have the greatest empathy for sick people, and I have encountered several of these conditions in my own family and have actually experienced four of them myself. Humor about them doesn’t offend me, and I hope it will not offend you. Also, my mention of Christmas and Hanukkah songs is not intended to endorse any religious belief.

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After a year of serious talk about mostly discouraging things, I thought it was time for a totally frivolous post to cheer us up with a little holiday humor. A friend sent me a list of “Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward.” I thought they were funny, and I’ve copied the best of them below. I’ve added a few of my own for other medical diagnoses, and then I added several about complementary and alternative medicine.

Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

AMNESIA: I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock …

SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe

 

Christmas Carols for Other Medical Conditions

Argyria: Silver Balls

Mumps: The Chipmunk Song

Depression: Blue Christmas.

Rosacea: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rhinophyma patient

Hypothyroidism: Baby It’s Cold Outside (and Inside too)

Obesity: We want some figgy pudding. (from We Wish You a Merry Christmas)

Scotomas (defects in visual field): O Holey Night

Edentulous: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (along with the rest of them).

Alcoholic: Here We Come A-Wassailing

Deaf: Silent Night

Tinnitus: Jingle Bells

Narcolepsy: Shepherds! Shake Off Your Drowsy Sleep

 

Christmas Carols for Complementary and Alternative Medicine

Chiropractors: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (and we can fix the resulting subluxations).

Acupuncture: The Twelve Acupoints of Christmas

Homeopathy: Kissin’ By The Mistletoe [Viscum album, one drop of mistletoe extract diluted to 30C and deposited on a sugar pill. Shaken, not stirred.].

Customer for penis enlargement products: I Have a Little Dreidel

Probiotics: The Friendly Beasts

Colon cleansing: Come, All Ye Feces-full

Herbalists: “Greens/Leaves”

Faith healers: Rise Up (out of your wheelchairs) Shepherds and Follow

TCM practitioners: From East to West

CAM believers responding to SBM: You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

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Playing with song titles can be great fun. Think up some of your own and post them in the comments section. It makes a great holiday pastime or party game.

Best Wishes for Whatever You Celebrate: Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Newton’s Birthday and Winter Solstice to All!

Posted by Harriet Hall

Harriet Hall, MD also known as The SkepDoc, is a retired family physician who writes about pseudoscience and questionable medical practices. She received her BA and MD from the University of Washington, did her internship in the Air Force (the second female ever to do so),  and was the first female graduate of the Air Force family practice residency at Eglin Air Force Base. During a long career as an Air Force physician, she held various positions from flight surgeon to DBMS (Director of Base Medical Services) and did everything from delivering babies to taking the controls of a B-52. She retired with the rank of Colonel.  In 2008 she published her memoirs, Women Aren't Supposed to Fly.