Halloween Handouts Have Horrendous Health Hazards
[Ed. Note: Dr. Jones had a Halloween-themed post in mind; so he and Dr. Gorski have basically switched places just for this week. Expect Dr. Gorski’s post later this week.]
Columbus, OH – Experts from the Columbus Naturopathic Medicine Center are warning parents of the dangers that may be waiting for their children on Halloween night, dangers like high-fructose corn syrup, gluten, trans fat, and artificial colors and flavors just to name a few.
“We want parents to understand what risks their children will be facing,” Tab Smiley, Chief of Pediatric Naturopathic Medicine and Nutrition at the center, explained. “These common Halloween candy ingredients are linked to childhood obesity, coronary artery disease, diabetes, body acidification, yeast overgrowth, and multiple chemical sensitivity.”
Smiley recommends that parents assess the nutritional information of each child’s candy haul prior to consumption in order to help prevent dangerous nutritional imbalances. Each individual treat should first be unwrapped and examined for sharp foreign objects or other obvious signs of tampering, and then melted down for evaluation using liquid chromatography and DNA fingerprinting when available. If unavailable, a naturopathic grade dowsing rod or pendulum may be substituted. Once deemed safe, a proving should take place in order to best determine an appropriate indication for each candy, followed by serial dilution and succussion in order to enhance flavor and potency.
In order to better serve their community, the Columbus Naturopathic Medicine Center has announced that they will be offering a complementary panel of standard naturopathic laboratory tests for kids under age 5 all week. The Halloween Special panel includes saliva pH and stress hormone levels, a provoked nougat urine assay, and a microscopic analysis of live blood for artificial additives in order to discover potential risk factors for future dis-ease. They are also offering discounted prices on thermography for the detection of subdermal marshmallow deposits and acute toxin cleansing packages over the two days following Halloween.
Skeptics of naturopathic practice have historically spoken out against what some may refer to as “quackery” and fear mongering for a quick buck. Smiley, a doctor of pediatric naturopathic medicine who obtained specialized training online and under the apprenticeship of Master Naturopaths in Europe and Asia, has dealt with skeptics numerous times in his career. “Sure they can quote a few studies here and there, but what about newer and more dangerous food toxins like the superglutens and extra-high-fructose corn syrup? Where are the studies? Skeptics act like they’ve never even heard of half the stuff I worry about day in and day out taking care of children.”
Unfortunately, despite the efforts of Doctors like Tab Smiley, the majority of parents remain unaware of these candy related dangers. Recent surveys indicate that children continue to enjoy the sweet taste and a resulting surge of neurotransmitters that mimics what is seen with cocaine use. And naturopathic researchers are predicting that the number of casualties in children participating in Halloween this year alone will likely be in the millions if not more over the next 70 to 80 years.