My Chi says my puppy is bad for me and I should get rid of it. I’m keeping the puppy, and getting rid of my Chi instead.
You will need flat shoes and a bottle of vitamins, herbal formula, or prescription medicine.
Step 1: Hold the bottle with both hands, touching your chest
Step 2: Stand up straight and get your balance
Step 3: Close your eyes and feel what is happening to your body.
Results:
If your body moves forward or stays neutral – going side to side – then whatever you are holding near your chest is okay for you. Your Chi matches.
If your body moves backwards – whatever you are holding is not good for you. Your body is repelling it. Chi is saying it doesn’t want that.
You can do this test on just about anything – a bottle of wine, foods, clothing. It’s easy to test and see if these things bring positive or negative energy to your body.
Oh dear, my Chi says it doesn’t match my new shoes. Guess I’ll have to take them back to the store. My body moved forwards when I held a bottle of rat poison; does that mean my Chi wants me to die?! My body swayed backwards when I held my new puppy against my chest; I guess my Chi wants me to take it back to the pound. I won’t do it! Fuck you, Chi! Pardon my language, but I love my puppy and that really made me angry.
No, seriously, how can anyone fall for such nonsense? Even if you thought it might be true, anyone who’s ever watched Mythbusters ought to know enough to set up a simple blinded test and bust that ridiculous myth all to smithereens.
Why does Restful Sleep™ hate puppies?
But apparently people are falling for it. The company that sells Restful Sleep™ is making enough money to pay for a half-page ad in USA Today, which is where I read those instructions. That can’t be cheap. No, it’s not cheap; I looked it up and a half-page black-and-white ad goes for $73,200. Apparently plenty of gullible consumers are spending their hard-earned money on a 2,000-year-old sleep remedy that Dr. Yan Ping Xu says produces healthy sleep by balancing the spleen Chi, which is the central train station for your entire body. Every organ is affected by spleen Chi. When it is not functioning properly, you may experience fatigue, anxiety, worry, restlessness, and poor concentration.
Testimonials. Exclusive low introductory price. Free shipping. 30-day, satisfaction-guaranteed, risk-free trial period. Not sold in stores! Déjà vu, anyone?
What are the ingredients?
Restful Sleep™ contains:
King herbs to nourish the Chi:
- Asian ginseng
- Atractylodes (which of the eight species?)
- Astragalus (which of the 3,000 species?)
Queen herbs to support the King herbs and nourish the blood:
- Longan
- Dong quai
- Jujube seed
- Poria (a fungal genus that is no longer used)
- Jujube fruit
Assistant herbs to calm the spirit:
- Costus (which of the more than 100 species?)
- Polygala (which of the many hundreds of species?)
Harmonizer herbs to bring balance to the formula and help moderate any harsh effects associated with other herbs:
- Licorice
- Ginger
Modern minerals (the Western approach [sic]):
- Calcium
- Magnesium
- Potassium
And we can be sure this will help you sleep because…
It has the same exact ingredients in Yi-Fang that have been used for over 2,000 years! A Chinese healer says it supports the spleen! Customers say it works! There is even a “Science” tab (albeit with nothing even remotely resembling science). Doesn’t that inspire confidence that the claims are true?
Conclusion: Get a puppy instead
I won’t waste any more time on this. I just thought SBM readers would enjoy a laugh. I printed out what I had written, put it in a bottle, held it to my chest and closed my eyes. My body stayed neutral. So I know my Chi wants me to share it with you. You, too, can listen to your Chi. Have fun!