Natick, MA – Traditional Chinese medical experts are baffled by the recent discovery of a Massachusetts man seemingly born without acupuncture meridians, but a leading theory has emerged.
Rab Garrett, owner of Garrett Landscaping and Lawn Maintenance in Natick, is the first human to be diagnosed with complete congenital Qi deficiency
“This truly is unexplored territory and we don’t exactly know what to make of the finding,” Dr. Chulong Xue, head of Qi dynamics for the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health’s Task Force on Traditional Chinese Medicine, explained. “We don’t know how the subject is even alive, let alone how he has maintained a successful landscaping business for the past 18 years, but you can be certain that I’m going to get to the bottom of this even if it depletes all of my fire element.”
Meridians are vital conduits that serve as a distribution network for the dispersal of energy throughout the human body. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the director of Mysteries of the East Lansing Med Spa and Acupuncture Warehouse, home of the 5-Minute Miracle intravenous hangover cure, this energy, known as Qi, binds and sustains all life in the universe. “It’s quite simple really, but also highly complex, and the whole system contains a number of core concepts that reveal themselves in subtle yet obvious ways, and we’ve known this for thousands of years.”
Though many humans have been found to have deficiencies in Qi, this has largely been linked to lifestyle choices and outside stressors. Fishman often coaches clients on ways to improve both the quantity and quality of their life force. “It’s important to avoid overexertion, emotional imbalances, and irregular eating. I’ve lost count of how many patients have come to see me because they ate something too cold or were a little too anxious about something.” This is the first known case of complete congenital absence of meridians and Qi, however.
Xue and his team of researchers, consisting of some of the brightest minds in meridian research, have spent the past several days working on an intriguing hypothesis that could explain how a human could live and thrive without any measurable Qi. After spending several hours examining the subject’s tongue and pulses for clues, and running him through a functional MRI machine down in the basement a few times, Xue concluded that the subject is likely a Chinese hopping vampire, known as a Jiangshi. “The ability to maintain form and function despite a complete absence of a meridian system can’t be explained any other way, at least not scientifically.”
Rab Garrett isn’t sold on this theory. He claims to have simply been curious about acupuncture after reading an article on the Cleveland Clinic website discussing the top 5 natural remedies for grimp and grimp-like illness. “I had a groupon for an integrative medicine clinic where you can also get your car washed, and the next thing I know I’m being whisked off to Bethesda for tests. I don’t know about this energy vampire thing, but the car looks great and I would absolutely go back there.”
Nonsense, wherever the meridian leads
Acupuncture and meridians and Qi! Oh…meh. This, my friends, is a well worn path in the annals of SBM and I have little if anything to add to what minds greater than mine have had to say in the not too distant past.
According to Mark Crislip, acupuncture is silly and built on a foundation of baloney:
Meridians, chi, tongue and pulse diagnosis, the entire foundation of traditional Chinese pseudo-medicine, is built on smoke and mirrors. Acupuncture is all sound and fury, signifying nothing.
When I sit down to mock something like acupuncture, and especially with chiropractic, I often take the approach of considering the possibility that everything the believers are saying is 100% true. I allow the notion to settle deep into my subconscious mind and then, once fully enmeshed in this fantastical new reality, I try to logically imagine all the potential outcomes and then take it one step further*.
That extra step serves, I hope, two purposes. I want it to be clear that what I’m writing is make believe, something I don’t always succeed at, but not too clear. I wan’t to “toe the Poe” and fall just short of violating that well-established law. I also want the reader who is perhaps unaware that the topic I’m focusing on is nonsense to recognize that my fictional reality is ridiculous and to be gently invited to consider that their understanding of that topic might be as well. Does that ever happen? Have I ever changed someone’s mind through satire or absurdist humor? Anecdotally, yes…but more studies are needed.